Hope to see you there,
Not-So-Fertile Girl
Saturday, January 21, 2012
Blog Address is Moving!
Due to the glitches with Blogspot (follower gadget won't show up), I have decided to move this blog. Please keep reading at www.notsofertilegirl.wordpress.com
Monday, January 16, 2012
A Watched Dr.'s Appointment Never Boils
On November 30th, we went to see our OB/GYN for what we thought was going to be the "Ok, the Metformin isn't working - Let's try this..." appointment. Wrong.
Don't get me wrong; I absolutely LOVE my doctor. He's laid back, but in a caring way. I'm sure he has some super-human power to change your emotions. No matter how depressed or frustrated I feel with our fertility troubles, I always feel this inexplicably calm after we see Dr. W. He makes me feel like it's not the all-consuming problem that it seems to be.
For those of you who don't know PCOS is basically a problem with ovulating (to boil it down to it's simplest form in the context of this blog). It involves an imbalance of hormones, which does not allow you to ovulate or have periods on a regular cycle. It's severity can range a lot. Some women go years without a period with PCOS.
My periods were never regular, and I went on birth control at 16 to regulate them. They would show up randomly and last for over a month at a time! I was on b.c. from the time I was 16 until I was 26. So, I didn't really pay too much attention to my cycles until we started thinking about trying for a baby. At a regular GYN exam, a very rude Nurse Practitioner who still works there, but I now refuse to see, told me bluntly that it would probably be hard for me to have a baby and that I should come back in one year before we wanted to start trying.
I was so put off by the shocking way she said this to me as if she was saying, "There will be traffic on the drive home," or "You have brown hair." Didn't this woman realize that she'd just told me something that was not just news to me, but news that would end up greatly altering my life? In my future experiences with - We'll call her Nurse Practitioner Bitch (NPB) - I learned that whether she realized what she was saying to me or not, she definitely didn't care.
Anyway, I didn't really listen to her because I'd heard that doctors won't help you with conception until you've been trying for at least a year. Stupid me. I might have a child by now if I had just started out asking Dr. W. "Hey, my periods are kind of crazy. What should I do about trying to have a baby?" Lesson learned.
So, when we finally did reach that year mark, Dr. W. ran some tests and we found out I have PCOS, making the timing of baby-trying very difficult and chances rare. He prescribed us Glucophage (I am on the generic, Metformin), and increased my dosage from 500 to 1000 to finally 1500 mg/day.
I'll fill in more details later, but we are 1 and 1/2 years into the "Let's see if the Metformin will fix your hormones" plan, and - as you know - still babyless. In May, Dr. W. told us that he wanted us to give it a "little" while longer, and that if I still wasn't pregnant in January, we would move onto Clomid to make me ovulate.
January Shmanuary. In October, I'd had it. We were coming up on the anniversary of a pregnancy that we'd lost the previous year, and I needed to take some action. I conveniently was about to run out of my prescription refills, so I called to make the follow-up appointment to get the Clomid show on the road. The earliest I could get was Nov. 30th. So we waited. (We're experts at that now.)
I waited for that appointment like a 6-year-old waits for Christmas morning. It was over in about 5 seconds. Dr. W. told us kindly that he agreed our current plan of attack wasn't working. I could feel my hand burning for that Clomid prescription and a fat packet of instructions on how it all works. What I got was an empty hand and a 2 month more wait for an appointment with the Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE). 2 more months. Hadn't I just finished waiting a year and a half to try something "real?"
So, here I sit on a Monday. My first appointment with Dr. H. (RE) is NEXT Monday, and it feels like it will never get here! Making it worse, I have no idea what the next step is. Dr. W told us that Dr. H. may indeed start us on Clomid, but he may try any number of other things. I am in limbo without a plan. My personality doesn't work very well that way. I need a plan. I need to know the next step because it is the only thing that keeps me from drowning in the helplessness.
This week, I will be hanging out with a friend and her newborn baby and seeing another friend everyday who has just announced she's pregnant. So, I'm sure that will help the week pass quickly and free of thoughts about how I'm not a mom yet! :-P
Don't get me wrong; I absolutely LOVE my doctor. He's laid back, but in a caring way. I'm sure he has some super-human power to change your emotions. No matter how depressed or frustrated I feel with our fertility troubles, I always feel this inexplicably calm after we see Dr. W. He makes me feel like it's not the all-consuming problem that it seems to be.
For those of you who don't know PCOS is basically a problem with ovulating (to boil it down to it's simplest form in the context of this blog). It involves an imbalance of hormones, which does not allow you to ovulate or have periods on a regular cycle. It's severity can range a lot. Some women go years without a period with PCOS.
My periods were never regular, and I went on birth control at 16 to regulate them. They would show up randomly and last for over a month at a time! I was on b.c. from the time I was 16 until I was 26. So, I didn't really pay too much attention to my cycles until we started thinking about trying for a baby. At a regular GYN exam, a very rude Nurse Practitioner who still works there, but I now refuse to see, told me bluntly that it would probably be hard for me to have a baby and that I should come back in one year before we wanted to start trying.
I was so put off by the shocking way she said this to me as if she was saying, "There will be traffic on the drive home," or "You have brown hair." Didn't this woman realize that she'd just told me something that was not just news to me, but news that would end up greatly altering my life? In my future experiences with - We'll call her Nurse Practitioner Bitch (NPB) - I learned that whether she realized what she was saying to me or not, she definitely didn't care.
Anyway, I didn't really listen to her because I'd heard that doctors won't help you with conception until you've been trying for at least a year. Stupid me. I might have a child by now if I had just started out asking Dr. W. "Hey, my periods are kind of crazy. What should I do about trying to have a baby?" Lesson learned.
So, when we finally did reach that year mark, Dr. W. ran some tests and we found out I have PCOS, making the timing of baby-trying very difficult and chances rare. He prescribed us Glucophage (I am on the generic, Metformin), and increased my dosage from 500 to 1000 to finally 1500 mg/day.
I'll fill in more details later, but we are 1 and 1/2 years into the "Let's see if the Metformin will fix your hormones" plan, and - as you know - still babyless. In May, Dr. W. told us that he wanted us to give it a "little" while longer, and that if I still wasn't pregnant in January, we would move onto Clomid to make me ovulate.
January Shmanuary. In October, I'd had it. We were coming up on the anniversary of a pregnancy that we'd lost the previous year, and I needed to take some action. I conveniently was about to run out of my prescription refills, so I called to make the follow-up appointment to get the Clomid show on the road. The earliest I could get was Nov. 30th. So we waited. (We're experts at that now.)
I waited for that appointment like a 6-year-old waits for Christmas morning. It was over in about 5 seconds. Dr. W. told us kindly that he agreed our current plan of attack wasn't working. I could feel my hand burning for that Clomid prescription and a fat packet of instructions on how it all works. What I got was an empty hand and a 2 month more wait for an appointment with the Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE). 2 more months. Hadn't I just finished waiting a year and a half to try something "real?"
So, here I sit on a Monday. My first appointment with Dr. H. (RE) is NEXT Monday, and it feels like it will never get here! Making it worse, I have no idea what the next step is. Dr. W told us that Dr. H. may indeed start us on Clomid, but he may try any number of other things. I am in limbo without a plan. My personality doesn't work very well that way. I need a plan. I need to know the next step because it is the only thing that keeps me from drowning in the helplessness.
This week, I will be hanging out with a friend and her newborn baby and seeing another friend everyday who has just announced she's pregnant. So, I'm sure that will help the week pass quickly and free of thoughts about how I'm not a mom yet! :-P
Welcome to My Not-So-Fertile Life
Thanks for somehow finding my blog and for reading it. I'll let you know right up front that this is a new adventure for me. I have always written in some form - journals, poems, etc. However, this is my first venture into the land of blogging. I have no well-thought-out plan or formula to make this an amazing blog. I don't know if it will be humorous, touching, thought-provoking, or just terrible, whiney writing. My plan is simple: write about my not-so-fertile life - how it feels, what it makes me think, what we go through...
I find myself feeling on a daily basis utterly isolated in my struggle to become a mom. This is not true, of course, but it is easy to feel that way. I am surrounded by a wonderful group of friends who have no trouble popping out babies and an amazingly supportive husband. However, none of them can truly empathize with what this struggle means for me day to day.
So, here we have it. My blog. I'm hoping for it to serve 3 purposes:
1. Give me a place to get all of these thoughts out of my head. I'm no psychologist, so I don't understand the reasoning, but writing the words down or saying them aloud seems to help.
2. Jump-start me on my goal to someday finish writing my book and have it published.
3. Most importantly: Give you a place of connection. A life raft from your deserted island of infertility isolation. I live on that island too. We just aren't able to always see the other inhabitants.
I'm hoping that reading my experiences, struggles, small victories (hopefully there will be some), and all the thoughts that make me feel like a bad person when I'm really not will help you in your struggle to deal with the life not-so-fertile. You might not be struggling with this yourself physically. Maybe it's your wife, your husband, your sister, your friend, your co-worker. That's ok too. I wish my friends and family would read a blog like this. I know they want to understand and help, but I'm sure they struggle with not always knowing what to say or do.
So, who am I?
My Not-So-Fertile Facts:
Age: 29
Gender: female
Status: married
Children: 0
Puppy-babies: 1
Trying To Conceive: 2 years, 7 months
Miscarraiges: 1
Diagnosed: PCOS (Polycistic Ovarian Syndrome)
Medications: Metformin (1500mg/day) - thus far unsuccessful
Ovulation Sticks Used: 1 billion (not an exact number :-p)
Pregnancy Sticks Broken in Half in My Rage: 1
Disclaimer: There will be no-such thing as TMI in this blog. To those of you already on your not-so-fertile journey, this probably won't surprise you. To those of you who are new to the I'm Trying Really Hard to Have a Baby game - this blog might not be for you if you are squeamish about personal details! :-)
So, I hope that you keep reading. I hope it helps you somehow. I hope it helps me somehow. I hope that I get pregnant and stay that way. I hope that you do too, if you want to.
I find myself feeling on a daily basis utterly isolated in my struggle to become a mom. This is not true, of course, but it is easy to feel that way. I am surrounded by a wonderful group of friends who have no trouble popping out babies and an amazingly supportive husband. However, none of them can truly empathize with what this struggle means for me day to day.
So, here we have it. My blog. I'm hoping for it to serve 3 purposes:
1. Give me a place to get all of these thoughts out of my head. I'm no psychologist, so I don't understand the reasoning, but writing the words down or saying them aloud seems to help.
2. Jump-start me on my goal to someday finish writing my book and have it published.
3. Most importantly: Give you a place of connection. A life raft from your deserted island of infertility isolation. I live on that island too. We just aren't able to always see the other inhabitants.
I'm hoping that reading my experiences, struggles, small victories (hopefully there will be some), and all the thoughts that make me feel like a bad person when I'm really not will help you in your struggle to deal with the life not-so-fertile. You might not be struggling with this yourself physically. Maybe it's your wife, your husband, your sister, your friend, your co-worker. That's ok too. I wish my friends and family would read a blog like this. I know they want to understand and help, but I'm sure they struggle with not always knowing what to say or do.
So, who am I?
My Not-So-Fertile Facts:
Age: 29
Gender: female
Status: married
Children: 0
Puppy-babies: 1
Trying To Conceive: 2 years, 7 months
Miscarraiges: 1
Diagnosed: PCOS (Polycistic Ovarian Syndrome)
Medications: Metformin (1500mg/day) - thus far unsuccessful
Ovulation Sticks Used: 1 billion (not an exact number :-p)
Pregnancy Sticks Broken in Half in My Rage: 1
Disclaimer: There will be no-such thing as TMI in this blog. To those of you already on your not-so-fertile journey, this probably won't surprise you. To those of you who are new to the I'm Trying Really Hard to Have a Baby game - this blog might not be for you if you are squeamish about personal details! :-)
So, I hope that you keep reading. I hope it helps you somehow. I hope it helps me somehow. I hope that I get pregnant and stay that way. I hope that you do too, if you want to.
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